Rose M Blogs...

Missing you so much it hurts…

rosemcom — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 14:25:23 +0000

How can it be 17 years ago today that we buried you? How vivid the memories are still…not of everything…but of standing by your grave…and wanting to just crawl in beside you and have all the pain go away…I was so young…25 years old…so were you, only 44…you were my mother and I can hardly believe I’ve lived so long without you in my life.

Of course, I didn’t crawl into the grave with you…however much I really wanted to. I could never, would never, willingly leave my own children…my daughter just three years old, and my new son just two months old…you didn’t leave me willingly either…you were gone nonetheless.

What a horrible year it had been…first Papa died…your diagnosis…then my marriage fell apart…and then you died. My mother, my best friend. I had seen or spoken to you every day of my life…how could it be that I never would again? I was alone…

The emptiness and sadness…it was powerful and overwhelming. I remember hearing the sound of my own voice screaming at the top of my lungs…for months…inside my head. I don’t know how I made it to the other side of all that pain…well, mostly anyway.

How I long to talk to you…to hear your voice…it’s hard to remember how it sounds…I haven’t heard it for so long…how I miss you Mama…this dull ache…tears stinging my eyes…the pain ebbs…it subsides…but it’s always there…underneath…and a memory or a song or a thought, event, feeling…you never know just when or why it returns full on…but it still does…every once in a while…like today…

My daughter is now grown with a daughter of her own…my baby son is almost a man…I’ve remarried and have two other children…a girl who’s nine and a boy who’s almost four. How did all these events occur without you there? I didn’t think I could do it…or anything…joy, sadness, struggles, memories…all lived without you…it’s heartwrenching to think of today…

Oh Mama…how I wish I could see you…do you see me? I love you so much…still and always…I miss you.

Wanting…

rosemcom — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 21:11:06 +0000

I want to feel alive

I want to be free

I want to love

I want to be whole

I want to be happy

I want to be successful

I want to be strong

In life, in work, in family, as a mother, as a wife

I want to be confident

I want to have energy

I want to be fit

I want to be…

What?

I don’t know where to begin

I don’t know how to lift myself up

Seeking joy

Seeking change

So many regrets…

Have you heard about KIVA?

rosemcom — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 17:37:41 +0000

Kiva is an organization designed to alleviate poverty by making “loans that change lives” (http://www.kiva.org/about).

I am so fortunate to be an entrepreneur in a country where money, clients and opportunity are plentiful. And whatever the state of the economy, and whatever my individual money worries and concerns might be, I really do have so much in comparison to so many.

Kiva has established a network connecting people around the world who need loans (usually in under-developed, struggling and impoverished nations) with those with an ability to lend. “Kiva’s mission is to connect people through lending for the sake of alleviating poverty.“

Loans can be as little as $25, up to however much you’d like to and are able to afford to lend – with 100% of the money from the loans going to the people/group you’ve decided to lend it to. Kiva does ask for a completely voluntary donation of 10% of the amount of your loan to help cover their costs, but this is completely voluntary and if you don’t want to donate to Kiva, you can still lend.

How often have you thought to yourself, “How can I possibly make a difference?”. Well, with Kiva, you can help support a person/group wanting to improve their lives, their family’s lives and those of their community. You can help others towards a sustainable future. I encourage you to check out Kiva’s website (http://www.kiva.org/about) to see what they are all about.

The only hard part is trying to decide which person/group to lend to. They are all so deserving. There are so many that want to make a better life for themselves. I find it most encouraging and motivating, and I’m so pleased that there is something I can do to make a change for the better in someone else’s life.

By coming together as a global community and for as little as $25 at a time, we really can make a difference. I think that’s just awesome.

As we approach the holiday season, and I know money is tight all around, I ask you to check Kiva out and, even if you can’t lend, that you pass on information about Kiva to the people you know. Together we can make a difference. Thanks.

Obama and Same-Sex Marriage…my two Cents Canadian…

rosemcom — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 00:54:36 +0000

First off, I have to say that, no, I am not American. I live in Canada where our voting system is way different than that of the US (less complicated, I think – seeing as George W. got elected at all the first time despite not having the popular vote??), and at least in Ontario, where I live, same-sex couples can get married.

But let’s start with President-elect Obama. I got goose-pimples when he got elected – and by such a wide margin. It really is a victory for the American people and everyone around the world that he was elected. I didn’t like John McCain (too much like George W. if you ask me), and Sarah Palin…don’t even get me started!

Then, directly on the heels of the historic election of Obama, comes the news that California and other states have banned same-sex marriage; and in one state, have prohibited non-married people from adopting. This is so sad, so senseless, so hurtful, so discriminatory and so disheartening.

I’m straight, married and a mother. So far, none of my children are gay, but if they were, that’s just fine with me. My brother is gay. He’s not found someone to spend his life with yet, but if he does, why on earth shouldn’t he be able to get married?

I’m not trying to offend anyone. Everyone has the right to believe what they want. But when imposing what you believe infringes on the rights of others – our fellow man/woman, when we’re talking about taking away the basic rights of people because we don’t agree with THE WAY THEY WERE BORN, in my opinion, there’s something way wrong with that.

Gay people pay taxes the same as everyone else, can sign up to fight for their country like everyone else – all those people who voted to ban same-sex marriage don’t mind that one bit, I bet. Why is that okay? Why are gay people “equal” in that respect? Why do gay people get to have those rights? But not every other right enjoyed by every other American? It’s so sad and so hurtful, it’s hard to put into words.

Treat people the way you’d like to be treated. Be kind and compassionate and have respect for one another, even if you don’t understand everything about them. Isn’t that how you want people to look at you and treat you? It’s certainly how I want people to look at me and treat me.

I’ve always had issues with my weight. There is such prejudice and discrimination that comes even with that. Certainly nothing like a gay person experiences, or other minorities have and still do experience, and I’m certainly not trying to compare weight issues with sexual orientation or to imply that I suffer horrible indignities because of it. But I do know what it’s like in a small way to be discriminated against and treated as a lesser citizen because of it, and isn’t it about time, in 2008 for goodness sake, to stop these indignities?

Where is the kindness? Where is the acceptance? We’re not all the same and isn’t that a wonderful, amazing thing? I sure think so.

I wish I had a vote in these states that have banned same-sex marriage. I wish I had a voice and way to bring about change in the US – but I’m Canadian. And right now, I’m glad I am and live where I live because no matter what Canada’s faults are (and I know there are many), thank goodness in Ontario, this is not one of them.

Change has started with the election of Obama – he brings such hope, humanity and a sense of positivity that the US has sorely lacked and will hopefully have much more of in the future. The wave of change must continue, however, to stop discriminating against anyone for any reason. Don’t you think?

My feet hurt….

rosemcom — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 00:04:20 +0000

It’s been a long day.

It started before 7 a.m. when Elvin roused me from a wonderful, warm, snuggly and blissful sleep even before my alarm did. He greeted me with the sweetest smile that melted my heart and made waking up a pleasure…even though I have a cold – nose either running like a faucet or stuffed beyond belief…sigh…ears plugged…sore throat…watery eyes…sniffle…sniffle…sniffle…sneeze!

Ugh…how many times can one person blow their nose in one day?

And despite feeling uber crappy, off to work I go like a good little dwarf to earn my weekly pittance at my day job. Saving grace is that I’ve decided to drive in instead of taking the bus so as to shorten the time it takes to get to work and home again.

Truth be told, it’s a pretty good job, working for and with nice people. My bosses (I have two) are good guys (for the most part as far as bosses go). They entrust me with a lot of responsibility and leave me to do my job (again, for the most part as far as such things go for bosses).

So, I’ve earned my pittance for the day (woo hoo!) and home I go to a house full of family, noise, chaos, mess and…love.

Armed with orange juice (extra pulp please) and chicken noodle soup, I settle into…my second job…as a virtual assistant to a diverse set of clients.

Today I’m working with two clients…one local and one in California. Both completely different, but enabling me to be one step closer to eventually quitting the day job…ah…won’t that be great?

Nine o’clock can’t come soon enough for me today (that’s when my California client closes for the day), when I can snuggle up again (night time cold medication is my friend) and await the morrow.

For now, I will take my shoes off my aching feet (new shoes, bummer), sip my juice, slurp my soup and nibble my salted top crackers (my favourite comfort food when I have a cold) and just enjoy little moments of peace between the work to enjoy some time with my family.

I’m so proud…

rosemcom — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 18:49:54 +0000

My eight year old daughter, Lisa (pronounced LEEZA) competed in a cross-country race for her school today.

She went to every practice, ran hard and earned herself a spot at the meet. She was very enthusiastic about it and very motivated to run. She even showed up for practices when it was teeming rain outside!

She ran against about 140 or so other grade 3 students and came in 45th place! Way to go Lisa!!

Play time…

rosemcom — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 18:42:05 +0000

My son, Elvin, and my granddaughter, Berlin, had just finished having a bath and were smelling all wonderful and looking all squeaky clean when they went into our backyard.

They came back wet, covered in grass, bits of soil and sporting the brightest most beautiful grins!

Watching them play was joyful. If only we adults could play with such abandon and completely free of self-consciousness or worry! It’s quite enviable.

Now, excuse me while I run another bath! LOL!

Memories of Time-share Fuzz

rosemcom — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 15:18:47 +0000

When my daughter, Lisa, was one, my husband and I scoured high and low for the perfect stuffed toy for her. We didn’t know whether it would be a rabbit or a dog or a bear or a doll. We just knew we wanted it to be perfect for her, a toy that she would come to love and need the way children often do.

In our search, we found some really adorable stuffed toys. Little dogs, bears of all sorts, bunnies, sheep – as you can imagine, you can pretty much find them in any shape, species or colour imaginable.

Then we saw him. He was a caramel coloured “Beanie Baby” bear named Fuzz, with a navy blue ribbon around his neck. And he was huge! He stood about one foot tall – just about the same size as our daughter at the time!

When she opened him at Christmas, we only hoped that she would love him. But of course, she was far too little to appreciate just how important he was about to become in her life.

It wasn’t long at all before she was taking him with her to sleep at night, and wanting him when she was upset. She diapered him, took care of him, fed him (!) and had fallen in love with him just as we had hoped she would.

Fast forward about 5 years, and we welcome to our family, Elvin. Lisa brought me Fuzz to the hospital so he could keep me company.

When we brought Elvin home, Lisa would offer him Fuzz to hold, or as comfort when he cried, or to go to sleep with. Then, at one point or another, Lisa said that Fuzz could be on permanent loan to Elvin. We, of course, had picked a special stuffed toy just for Elvin as well, a dog, but he’s never taken to it the way he has to Fuzz.

And now, Elvin adores that bear just as much as his sister ever did. Lisa is 8 now, but every now and then, when she’s feeling sad or scared or nervous, Fuzz becomes hers once again. Time-share Fuzz. Elvin then must make do with his almost as beloved Elmo. Which suits Elvin just fine – so long as Fuzz comes back to him!

When I was little, I had a little bear that I loved very much. I took him every where. My mother had patched him up so many times, he was barely recognizable in any way, shape or form to his original self. But I didn’t care. I loved that bear. Then, when I was about 7 or 8, bear was suddenly gone. My mother and father told me they’d put him away for me in their closet because I was a big girl and maybe it was time I moved on. I remember being devastated. As time wore on, I moved on to other toys, but I never forgot about my special bear. When I was about 14 or so, I asked my mother about that bear and, seeing as I wasn’t dependent on it anymore, perhaps I could have it back. She told me then that they had actually thrown the bear away. It was old and ratty and they had just gotten rid of it. I was devastated all over again. That bear was a treasure to me, and I couldn’t believe they’d thrown him away. I guess that’s why it was so important to me that my children all had that special toy. My oldest, Marie, had a special bear, “Tedinski”, and my older son, Michael, had a blue bear, “Blue”, that he used to carry around upside by his tag – too cute!

Fuzz has lost his navy blue ribbon. He’s had to be mended now and again. But he still brings immense joy to both Lisa and Elvin. My only problem is, who gets him later in life? Maybe they’ll have to time-share Fuzz then too!

CIBC Run for the Cure

rosemcom — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 16:57:13 +0000

My friend, Karen, is wonderful. She participates in the CIBC Run for the Cure for breast cancer every year. I think that’s just awesome.

When it comes to asking people to sponsor her, I know that she feels bad and is almost apologetic for it. I know she doesn’t want to be a pest and ask for peoples’ hard-earned money. And I wish she wouldn’t feel that way.

She is doing such an awesome thing. More than most people…more than me. I make my donation, but she’s there, doing the walk and donating…participating with both feet, and I admire her for it.

Writer’s block…

rosemcom — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 16:35:52 +0000

I can’t seem to put my thoughts together.

On this blog, as well as my professional blog (http://rmeg.wordpress.com/), I have…I don’t know how many drafts of pieces I’ve begun to write but, for the life of me, can’t seem to finish.

This is very frustrating, because I log in to WordPress everyday, eagerly looking at my stats, reading what’s out there and full of enthusiasm and desire to write.

But I fall flat. My mind wanders. I can’t put my thoughts together. Lose my train of thought. Can’t complete the formation of my ideas. Sigh…just can’t seem to complete a damn thing.

Maybe I’m just tired. Or overthinking the whole thing.

Here’s hoping tomorrow’s a better day.